Terms of Use
By reading this sentence, you have entered into a binding agreement with a company that sells powder.
The authoritative terms of use for all Specific Industries properties are maintained at specificindustries.com. View Privacy Policy
Effective: Retroactively, since 1847. Jurisdiction: The Drywell Estate, Vermont (fictional).
1. Acceptance of Terms
By visiting this website, you agree to these terms. By reading these terms, you agree to them more. By purchasing our products, you agree to them the most. There is no mechanism for disagreeing. Ezekiel I designed it that way. He was a philosopher, not a democrat. Your acceptance is irrevocable, like dehydration itself — once the water has been removed, it cannot simply be put back. You may close this browser tab, but the agreement persists. We store your consent in the same leather-bound ledger as everything else.
2. Product Disclaimers
Our products are not FDA-approved, not scientifically validated, and not, in the strictest sense, products. The “Science Facts” on our product pages are works of creative fiction. Any resemblance to actual science is coincidental and, frankly, surprising. If you consume our products based on anything you read here, that is a choice you have made, and we admire your adventurous spirit. We make no claims regarding the efficacy, potability, or ontological status of dehydrated water. It is what it is, which is to say, it is not what it was.
3. Shipping & Returns
Orders ship within 6–8 weeks via our preferred carrier (Ezekiel's nephew, when available). Products are shipped in a semi-permeable packaging membrane designed to maintain the anhydrous equilibrium of the contents during transit. Returns are accepted only if the product has been accidentally hydrated. To return hydrated product, please ship the liquid water back to us in a standard paper envelope. We will not reimburse postage. We will not acknowledge the absurdity. This is our policy. The dissolution rate of the return envelope is not our concern — we recommend expedited shipping. All returned solutes must maintain a concentration no greater than 1M to qualify for processing.
4. Limitation of Liability
Dehydrated Water Laboratories is not liable for: accidental hydration, surplus water, philosophical crises triggered by the nature of our products, marital disputes arising from unexplained purchases, or any damage caused by our Double-Dehydrated variant's theoretical “Negative Wetness.” Our liability is further limited by the phase diagram of responsibility, wherein our obligations exist exclusively in the solid state — frozen, immovable, and below the triple point of corporate accountability (0.006 atm, 273.16 K). Any claims must demonstrate that the alleged harm resulted from a state of matter for which we have accepted responsibility. As we accept responsibility only for the gaseous state, and only on Tuesdays, the practical scope of our liability approaches the partial pressure of helium at sea level: technically present, functionally undetectable.
5. Intellectual Property
All content on this website — including the concept of dehydrating water, the Drywell Method™, the phrase “burdened by its own wetness,” and the thermodynamic framework by which we claim to have liberated hydrogen and oxygen from their covalent obligations — is the intellectual property of the Drywell family. We use the term “intellectual” aspirationally. The activation energy required to reproduce our proprietary dehydration process (Ea≈ 482 kJ/mol) exceeds that available to any entity not in possession of the original Drywell apparatus, a device whose molecular geometry has been classified under Van der Waals exclusion protocols since 1889. Unauthorized reproduction constitutes a violation of both these terms and the conservation of mass, which we interpret loosely.
6. Data Collection & Privacy
We collect everything. Your browsing data undergoes complete molecular disassembly upon contact with our servers, separating into its constituent informational ions before being reconstituted in our archival medium at a molarity determined by Ezekiel IV's proprietary concentration formula. The osmotic pressure exerted by your aggregated personal data against the semi-permeable membrane of our privacy infrastructure is governed by the van 't Hoff equation (π = iMRT), where i represents the dissociation factor of your identity across our databases and M your molar concentration within our customer solution. Your data, once collected, achieves a state of irreversible dissolution within our systems. No opt-out mechanism exists, as the entropy change (ΔS) associated with data extraction is prohibitively negative, rendering the process non-spontaneous under standard conditions.
7. Dispute Resolution
Disputes shall be resolved through binding arbitration conducted by Ezekiel IV in his study, a room maintained at precisely 293.15 K and 47% relative humidity to preserve the colligative integrity of the 1847 company charter. The arbitration proceeds according to Le Chatelier's Principle: any perturbation introduced by the complainant will be counteracted by a shift in the equilibrium position of the ruling toward the Drywell Estate's preferred outcome. The equilibrium constant Keqfor disputes has been experimentally determined to be 4.7 × 1012in favor of the Estate, a value so large that the forward reaction (resolution favorable to the customer) is thermodynamically negligible. Ezekiel will consult the charter — approximately 73% of which exists in a state of irreversible molecular dissociation due to water staining — and render a decision whose Gibbs free energy (ΔG < 0) ensures spontaneity in precisely one direction. Appeals may be directed to Reginald the cat, whose enthalpy of engagement (ΔHresponse) has been calorimetrically measured at 0.00 kJ/mol.
8. Governing Law
These terms are governed by the bylaws of the Drywell Estate as interpreted through the lens of theoretical hydrology and the thermodynamic jurisprudence established by Ezekiel Drywell II in his seminal 1891 pamphlet, “On the Jurisprudential Implications of Removing Water from Itself.” In the event of a conflict between Estate bylaws and actual law, the resolution shall be determined by the partition function Z = Σe-Ei/kT evaluated across all accessible legal microstates, weighted by the Boltzmann distribution of judicial favorability. The probability of any interpretation unfavorable to the Drywell Estate occupying a populated energy level is governed by P(E) = e-E/kT/Z, which, given the degeneracy of favorable states and the prohibitive activation energy of unfavorable ones, converges on unity for the Estate and effectively zero for all other parties. This is not how law works, but it is how the Drywells have operated for seven generations, and the stoichiometric ratio of precedent to innovation (7:0) favors continuation.
9. Amendments & Severability
These terms may be amended at any point along the phase boundary of corporate necessity, with modifications propagating through the user base via Fickian diffusion at a rate proportional to the concentration gradient of legal awareness across our customer solution (∂C/∂x). Should any provision of these terms be found unenforceable by a body possessing actual legal authority — an eventuality whose probability we have modeled using the Arrhenius equation and found to require a pre-exponential factor exceeding the total number of atoms in the observable universe — the remaining provisions shall maintain their thermodynamic stability, as the enthalpy of the intact agreement (ΔHformation= -847.3 kJ/mol) is sufficiently exothermic to withstand the endothermic perturbation of partial invalidation. The system will re-equilibrate in accordance with Le Chatelier's Principle, shifting toward increased enforceability of the surviving clauses to compensate. Your continued patronage constitutes acceptance of all current and future amendments, retroactively and in perpetuity, across all thermodynamically accessible states of matter, consciousness, and corporate governance.