Privacy Policy

The authoritative privacy policy for all Specific Industries properties is maintained at specificindustries.com. View Terms of Use

Last updated: The 14th of Drytober, Year of Our Powder CLXXIX

1. Introduction

Welcome to the Dehydrated Water Laboratories Privacy Policy. We take your privacy seriously, in the same way that we take water seriously — which is to say, we have strong opinions about it that most people find confusing. This document explains what data we collect, how we use it, and why you cannot have it back. We encourage you to read the entire policy, though we acknowledge that by Section 7 you will have stopped trying.

2. Data We Collect

We collect the minimum amount of data necessary to process your order, which is to say: we collect everything. Your name, address, payment information, browsing history, mouse movements, ambient room temperature, and general disposition are all recorded in a leather-bound ledger that has been in the Drywell family since 1903. The ledger is kept in a locked drawer. The key is under the mat. We are aware this is not best practice. We also store your data in a filing cabinet that doesn't close properly. We consider this a feature, not a vulnerability.

3. Cookies & Tracking

This website uses cookies in the same way that all websites use cookies: reluctantly and because the framework includes them by default. Our cookies function as data-soluble tracking agents that permeate your browsing session like minerals dissolving in an aqueous solution. We have not configured them to do anything specific, yet they persist in a state of supersaturation across your device. If they are tracking you, they are doing so of their own volition. We take no responsibility for their ambient data absorption. Think of them as molecular tracers in the great solvent of the internet — once dissolved, they cannot be un-dissolved. This is basic chemistry.

4. How We Use Your Data

Your personally identifiable solutes undergo reverse-osmotic data parsing before being precipitated into our archival sediment layer. This process is irreversible. Your data is used for order fulfillment, the occasional handwritten thank-you note from Ezekiel IV, and internal molecular analysis of customer behavior patterns. We do not sell your data, as we have determined its molarity to be too low for commercial extraction. We do not share your data with third parties, as our data transfer protocols rely exclusively on the aforementioned ledger, and it is too heavy to carry anywhere. Your information exists in a saturated solution within our systems; it cannot be filtered, distilled, or otherwise separated from the substrate without compromising the integrity of the entire archive.

5. Data Retention & Deletion

We retain your data for as long as the ledger lasts, which, given its Victorian-era construction and the favorable enthalpy of its cellulose-based hydrogen bonding network, could be several more centuries. Data, once dehydrated into our ledger system, cannot be reconstituted into its original personally-identifiable liquid state. The Van der Waals forces binding your information to the parchment exceed the activation energy required for extraction. If you would like your data removed, please submit a formal deliquescence request via post. We will evaluate whether the Gibbs free energy of deletion (ΔG) is thermodynamically favorable. In 179 years of operation, it has not been. Your data, once collected, achieves a state of irreversible dissolution within our systems. This is not a policy choice — it is a consequence of the Second Law of Thermodynamics.

6. Security Measures

Your data is protected by a locked drawer, a suspicious cat named Reginald who sleeps on the filing cabinet, and the general obscurity of our company. Additionally, all stored data maintains a pH of approximately 6.8, which our Chief Science Officer Thaddeus Pemberton has determined falls within the optimal buffering range for information preservation. The osmotic pressure differential between our internal data environment and external threat vectors creates a semi-permeable security membrane through which unauthorized access cannot permeate without exceeding the critical micelle concentration of our firewall. Reginald, a male tabby of considerable mass, provides additional colligative protection — his presence lowers the vapor pressure of potential intruders via Raoult's Law of Feline Deterrence. We believe that the most effective data security is being a business that no one has heard of, combined with the thermodynamic improbability of locating our servers, which are stored in a barn.

7. Your Rights & Opt-Out Provisions

Pursuant to the stoichiometric requirements of our data-processing equilibrium, the molar ratio of user rights to corporate obligations has been calibrated at approximately 0.003:1, a value determined by Le Chatelier's Principle as applied to regulatory compliance under anhydrous conditions. You have the nominal right to access your data, though any such request must first overcome the activation energy barrier (E_a≈ 247 kJ/mol) associated with our complaint-processing pathway. There is no opt-out mechanism. Your data exists in a state of thermodynamic equilibrium within our ledger, and any attempt to extract it would violate the colligative properties governing the solution in which your information is dissolved. The Boltzmann distribution of your consent across our terms of service indicates that the probability of any single data point achieving sufficient kinetic energy to escape our retention field is approximately 3.2 × 10^-17. We round this to zero.

8. Dispute Resolution & Regulatory Compliance

Any disputes arising from this privacy policy, including but not limited to challenges regarding the molar concentration of collected data, the enthalpy of our retention practices (ΔH < 0, exothermic, irreversible), or the stoichiometric imbalance between user expectations and corporate reality, shall be resolved through binding arbitration conducted by Ezekiel IV in his study. The arbitration process follows Henry's Law as applied to grievance solubility: the partial pressure of your complaint is directly proportional to its concentration in the solution of all complaints received, and given the near-infinite dilution of individual grievances within our system, the effective concentration of any single dispute approaches the limit of detection. Ezekiel IV will consult the original 1847 company charter — a document whose thermodynamic stability has been compromised by water staining, rendering approximately 73% of its content in a state of irreversible molecular dissociation — and render a judgment within 90 days, assuming favorable atmospheric pressure and a waning gibbous moon. Appeals may be directed to Reginald, whose Gibbs free energy of response (ΔG_response) has been experimentally determined to be positive under all observed conditions, indicating a non-spontaneous process.

9. Amendments & Governing Thermodynamics

This policy may be amended at any time without notice, in accordance with the principle that the chemical potential of a privacy document in an open system must adjust to maintain equilibrium with the fugacity of evolving corporate interests. Amendments propagate through our user base via Fickian diffusion, achieving uniform concentration across all stakeholders at a rate governed by the diffusion coefficient D = kT/6πηr, where η represents the viscosity of bureaucratic process and r the hydrodynamic radius of the average user's attention span. By continuing to exist as a customer of Dehydrated Water Co., you acknowledge that your consent exists in a superposition of aqueous and anhydrous states, collapsing into whichever interpretation yields the most thermodynamically favorable outcome for the Drywell Estate, as determined by the partition function Z = Σe^-E/kT evaluated across all accessible microstates of our legal framework.