Gourmet Water Seasoning
Add texture, not flavor.
$15.99 / set
For too long, water has suffered from a fundamental flaw: it's too smooth. Our Gourmet Water Seasoning collection addresses this oversight by adding texture — not flavor — to your hydration experience.
Developed in partnership with a sensory scientist who prefers to remain anonymous (and who we suspect may not actually be a scientist), our H₂O Enhancers transform ordinary water into an extraordinary tactile experience.
Each set includes both of our signature textures: Viscosity+ and Crispness. Mix them together at your own risk. We have not tested this combination and, based on the results of an informal office trial, we do not recommend it.
Science Facts
Per packet, as determined by our laboratory (a desk)
* These facts have not been peer-reviewed, FDA-approved, or verified by any entity, real or imagined. The laboratory is Ezekiel's desk.
Available Variants
Viscosity+
Makes your water feel slightly thicker, like drinking thin gravy. Ideal for those who find regular water 'too fast' going down. Achieved through the addition of food-grade thickening agents that our label simply lists as 'texture.'
Crispness
Adds a microscopic amount of 'static' — technically fine-grain silica — to give your water a 'sharp' mouthfeel. Reviewers have described it as 'crunchy water,' 'assertive,' and 'why would anyone do this.'
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